Everything I really need to know I learned from Mourinho

My alarm was blaring in my left ear. I opened my eyes and reached for my phone to check my calendar to see if I could sleep in a little longer. A preliminary sales meeting with a minor potential client, up against a lousy competitor, so no problem. Rolled over and returned to my dream in which my employees were all genuflecting in my direction. About the time they were carrying me in a palanquin, I experienced that strange falling sensation and woke up again for good.

Note to Self: Get decent palanquin bearers.

I changed out of my pajamas into a different set of pajamas. Checked my look in the mirror just before I left the house. Yesss. Just right. I looked terrible, bored, but with just the right élan. My pajamas were bunched around my waist making me look like I was carrying a spare tire. This made me smile. The client is darned lucky I’m going to show up at all and if they don’t know it, this will show them! It will show my competitor, who will also be present, I don’t give a hoot if they get the deal.

It’s just a small deal.

I’m so above this thing.

I drove to the client’s office in my Jaguar F-TYPE Coupé. I noticed it had a scratch. It’s just about time to trash this hunk of junk.

Pulled into the parking garage and told the parking attendants to F themselves. They smiled politely and said they’d “get right on it, madam.” Why were they so cheerful?

My subordinates were waiting in the lobby when I walked in. The competitors were as well. All dressed up in their fancy monkey suits. Butt kissers. I noticed my star employee was missing. “A little too much to drink last night, boss,” my other employee whispered in my ear. What did I care? I pretty much had the dream team with me. The competitor just had some random dudes. Besides it’s just a small deal. It should be no problem to get this deal.

And if it is a problem, who cares?

We were escorted into a conference room by the clients and the meeting began. We were asked to show our product, and the competitors were as well. Every time it looked like one of competitor’s guys were going to open their mouths to speak, my guys jumped in. They dominated the discussion. It was just a bunch of weather talk and knock knock jokes, but I could tell we were winning the conversation. We had by far the most words. Words upon words. I got so distracted by the talking, I barely registered my competitor whispering in the client’s ear. His eyes almost imperceptibly lit up.

The client suggested a break. I gathered my people around me and we formed a strategy for the rest of the session. But when we got back, no one seemed much interested in showing their product. We talked, our competitor danced. There was nothing substantive done for the next 45 minutes.

Finally the client said it was time to leave. They thanked us for coming and announced they’d selected our competitor.

I stood in the door and shook the hands of every one of my competitor’s people as they exited the conference room. “Astonishing work!” I said sarcastically. The competitor’s lead walked around me without making eye contact. “Great to see you, again!” I shouted after his diminishing figure.

In the parking garage, I told my employees they were lucky to have jobs.

Drove back to the office and explained the situation to my boss. Our product was by far the best. Our presentation was by far the best. Our guys: the best. Our competitor had checked their ethics at the door. They were terrible dancers. And besides, who cares? It was just a small deal.

I drove myself home.

Looked in the mirror. Still in my pajamas. I looked terrible, bored, but with just the right élan. That made me smile. Put on my silk pajamas. Kicked my cat twice in the head and climbed into bed. The silk sheets swam around me, my eyes grew heavy.

Along came the palanquin, just like it always did.

Photo source: Sunshineonmycanvas.blogspot.com
Photo source: Sunshineonmycanvas.blogspot.com

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