That is far from a wrap, people.
Manchester United, Chelsea: good job. I knew I could count on you. Manchester City, not your best work, but I guess it will do for now. You three may take a break.
Listen up, the rest of you. I’ve made this perfectly clear.
It’s time to start following the script. It is NOT optional to learn your lines. It’s not optional to hit your mark. You must HIT it.
Arsenal, you had a simple job this weekend, a specific plot to deliver. No, that plot line was not to make Andy Carroll, a guy with heinous hair who hasn’t played all season, look like a world beater, look like he is worth everything any team had ever paid for him (£50 million, £38 million, whatever).
Your job was to WIN. Bonus points to make Carroll look like the chump he is. A 3-3 tie does not begin to cut it.
Tottenham: Your job was to fail. To fail, do you understand? Fail all 90 minutes, without taking a five-minute break in which you score 3 goals.
Leicester City: Ditto. I don’t want to see guys lying around the field just to waste time after you score THE goal or because you flopped to get a penalty.
You are permitted only to lie around and actually BE injured. Kante, Huth, Vardy, Mahrez, are you listening? This needs to happen before The one goal, and The one goal is allowed only after the other team scores two or more goals. Are we clear on this?
What a bunch of losers. Especially the winners….
Take a break, you three, a long one. Arsenal, Leicester, you have until Sunday to learn your lines. Tottenham, you’re in the second act, so you have until Monday.
Tottenham, a minor collapse will do. A few ties, a few losses. One pointless win on the last day. Vertongen: it’s a great time for an own goal (or two)!
Leicester City, you are up for a loss. Not a tie. Not just some small loss. You are up for an embarrassing tonking, preferably accompanied by a few season-ending injuries. Claudio, I expect some bad, bad tinkerman-ing here.
Need motivation? Binge-watch Jordan Spieth’s Masters collapse. Then follow suit. Simple.
Arsenal, you are to come back on the set Sunday and WIN. Not just some little, boring win. A dominant, season-catapulting win. You are living on borrowed time and the collection agency is on the phone, my friend.
If you keep up this behavior, you’ll be waiting tables. Again.